A stupid solution to a problem that never existed

I knew watching TV was a bad idea. Dettol have just released the No-Touch hand wash system, a new, utterly pointless product to add to your eerily clean and soulless home. Specially designed to play on the  fear and ignorance of unsuspecting, never-ending consumers, the No-Touch system promises that you don’t even need to touch germs again (you see, they might race up your hand into your mouth and kill you before you have a chance to scrub them off). Now you can live in a sterile bubble!

I wonder which hideous product development lackey saw this particular market niche. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

“We need a new kind of soap. It’s not enough that they kill 99.99 per cent of all bacteria. It’s an inefficient kill rate.”

“Hmmm, I know. But we can’t produce a soap that kills 100 per cent of bacteria. The little blighters just won’t comply with our profit targets; they keep mutating. They’re so unreasonable.”

“But people seem to buy into this very profitable idea that all bacteria, without exception, are bad and must be eliminated. There’s a market niche somewhere, if only we could find a way to fill it.”

“I know!” pops up the marketing boy. “Don’t you just hate touching the soap pump? Ugh, I mean that’s what people touch with their dirty hands. It must be crawling with bacteria. What if the soap dispenser in your home had an automatic sensor?”

“Yes! Good boy, you’re very smart. That way, you wouldn’t have to touch the filthy pump-”

“- and get bacteria on your hands, just before you scrub them with our highly efficient bacteria-killing soap!

Oh.  Dear. Lord. Yes, you should wipe your counter after handling raw meat or fish – and wash your hands thoroughly. For anything else, you should of course wash your hands, but regular soap and water works just fine. Remember: when you disinfect your entire life all day, you’re going to get sick.

If you’re dumb enough to get sucked in by this ridiculous, cynical product from Dettol, then you deserve to ripped off. You also (a) need psychiatric help for your chronic OCD and inability to touch any surface without disinfecting it, a la Howard Hughes, (b) deserve the billions of resistant, disease causing bacteria that are coming your way or (c) need to engage your brain and stop believing the lies you see on TV.

Take your pick.

Which ridiculous ads or household products drive you demented?